Batch-la in Be-sleaze

Okay.. let's just write this as we go... 

The girls have followed Ben to Belize...

And as my girl Kendall so kindly pointed out.. someone dared use the phrase, "Do You Belize in Love?"  

Vomit.

The first date.

Lindsay/Lynzi/Lyndzey.. whatever.   

They head off in a helicopter.  Ooh, never been done before.

She has on a bathing suit 

..and enough eyeliner for her and the rest of the girls to wear throughout 2012.

I liked this chick at first.. now I'm not so sure.

The way she says important is really weird.  And she's wearing stripper shoes.  And I could wear her hoop earrings as a choker.  Do you need more?  I have plenty of material, but I'm starting to feel bad for her.

No roses this week.. just chat about whether she's ready to bring him home to meet the fam.

----------------

Next...Date card. 

I have that grey shirt Rachel is wearing when she reads it.  

Yep.  Could be me.  Sike.

Kacie B. talks shiz about Courtney.  You go girl.  

Courtney cries because she doesn't get the next one on one.  

----------------

Let me remind you who these girls are bickering over.

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Emily gets it instead.   

She likes cheesecake.  

I'm amazed she's still here. 

Emily takes off on her date as Courtney narrates how she got treated so poorly by Emily.  

Biatch. Please. 

YOU are toxic and mean to everyone.  

As poorly timed as it was, all she did was get drunk and call you out for it.

Airplane.  Bikes.  "Yays!"

Lobster diving?  Yowza.  Whatever floats your boat.

Terrible goggle hair and runny mascara to follow.  Let's be honest.  This is not ideal.  

Just like Miss America, I'd invest in some waterproof mascara for this too..  

Courtney cries back at the house... is she an actress or a model?  I forgot.

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I'm already tired of this.  Courtney is CRAY-ZEE.

Kacie B. knows it.  I know it.  Do you know it?

----------------

Courtney's date was horrible.  I blacked out somewhere between her using a cheesy metaphor to describe climbing the temple steps and her adjusting her extensions after pointing finger-guns at the screen and using her "kill shot" on the competition.

Seems like Ben semi-gets-a-clue when she gets defensive about why she doesn't get along with the other girls..

----------------

Ben wakes up the group date girls with zero time to spare.  

Shit gets real, haha.  

These chicks are frantically shaving their legs/armpits/whatever with a vengeance to get ready for this boat ride to who knows where. 

I actually like these girls.. Rachel and Kacie B. anyway.  

I'm not sure about Nikki. 

Nor am I sure about the wife beater Ben has on.  Ick.

Now he announces they are shark diving.  

Aaaand scene. I'd be done.  Peace out.

Now that I see it.. I'm pretty sure those are just giant catfish.  

But props to Rachel for playing the scared card. She scored some serious one on one time with that..

----------------

Kacie B pours it all out.. and gets the rose.  Bringin' him back to Tennessee!  

Then they smack Ben in the face with some serious doubts on Courtney... 

He's gettin' weirded out.  Finally.  Get a clue, Ben.

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This rose ceremony means sooo much.. blah blah blah.

 Everyone's nervous.

Except Courtney. She's feeling great. 

Pina Colada. Belize. Relaxing Day. Party. Wooommmppp.

Courtney just said, "I mean he's not the only guy in the world."

'I'm sure everyone's kind of ready to go home, whether it's to bring Ben home or just to go home.'

'I mean I'm kind of ready.'

WHAAAATTTTT?  Go home you psycho.

And she just said, 'See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.'

I haven't said that in AT LEAST 15 years.

----------------

Chris Harrison busts up the awkwardness.  Thank you very much.

No cocktail party.  Commercial break then rose ceremony.

Dun.

Dun.

Dunnnnn.

----------------

According to CH, Ben knows exactly what he wants to do here tonight.

Kacie B has a rose and there are 3 more up for grabs.

2 chickadees are headin' home alone.

----------------

Ben gives his spiel about how important hometowns are... yada yada.

then he asks to take Courtney aside.

The girls freak.

Courtney reassures.

----------------

Roses

numero uno: Nicki

numero dos: Lindzi

eeeeeekkkkkkkk..... I like Rachel!!  I hate Courtney! I don't really care if Emily stays or goes!  eeeek!!!

numero tres:  awkward pause... Courtney

WTF??!!!???!!!!  UGH.

----------------

Emily is stunned she's going home. 

(I'm not)

----------------

Rachel is sad. 

(me too girl) 

----------------

And then Ben says "Bye Rach."

Really?  You asshole.  That's all you have to say?  

Go jump off the dock into the gummy jaws of that fake shark you made her swim with.

Emily leaves.  Whatever.

Courtney repeats the see ya wouldn't wanna be ya line.  

I want to punch her.

Emily cries. A lot.

Her snot isn't as cute as Adele's was on the Grammy's.

----------------

Then Courtney makes out with a tarantula she's named Terry.

Freak.

----------------

And that was that.  

2 hours of my life I'll never get back.

----------------

And just because I like ya.. 

I'm including some really entertaining pics I stumbled upon in my image searches for the other chicks.. 

These are of Blakely.

You remember her?  The horse-y chick.

Or Kacie's twin brother.  Whichever you prefer.

Either way, HOW did I not see these before?? Where was TMZ on this?

I guess VIP Cocktail Waitress is code for stripper.

Until next week.. I still belize in love.





All images via Google.

Gabbing about the Grammy's

Ok folks... The Grammy's this year were pretty much all music.  Who won besides Adele? I have no idea.  So let's get to the important part... what people wore.  And what idiots were invited that had no more business being there than I would...  you'll see what I mean with the first pic..

Red Carpet Arrivals.  

In a few words.. and in no particular order.. 

Snooki?  Really?  

A. She has no musical connections whatsoever.  

B. She looks like she came straight from an audition for a low budget remake of Austin Powers.

These two, I love.  I think they could've performed instead of Nicki Minaj and everyone would've been happy.  What was Nicki doing?

Why is Paris Hilton at the Grammy's?  

Why is Paris Hilton still showing her face in public?  

She's a joke.

Oh, Adele.  You make my heart melt.  You're amazing.  You sing like an angel.  You look amazing.  Whoever did your makeup deserves an award of their own.  You are pretty much the total package.

HOWEVER, I have one word of advice.  Spit the damn gum out at the Grammy's.

Bruno.  I heart you.  All 5 feet 5 inches of you.

You too, Carrie. I heart you. You're hot.  You've come a looong way since Idol!  Keep up the good work.  

No.

Katy.  You can do so much better than this. But you did worse.. what was with the crimped hair?  And the awful performance?  Come on.

Umm... I'm pretty sure you aren't Lady Gaga.  And I'm also pretty sure that no one has a clue who you actually are.  So let's give up the act.  Not workin'.

Oh Nicki.  Another Gaga-esque, weird buncha shiz.. Stick to what you know.

Again, no.

Robyn?  What the hell happened to you??  

Call your girlfriend.  

Call your boyfriend.  

Call your stylist.  

Fire them.  All of them.  GROSS.

Hey girl.  Inappropriate.

Hey Adam.  Call me.

Awkward.

P.S.  Taylor, you're annoying.

Rihanna. 

Bravo on the bod.

Bravo on the dress.

BOOOO on the tribute to nappy roots.  Intentional or not.

When did Marilyn Manson release a new single and why was he invited to the Grammy's?

I have no idea who this is, but I think she may be the new spokeswoman for Glad.

DIY Grammy's outfit.

All you need is two comforters from the Missoni for Target line and a sewing machine.

Let's end on a good note...

I said it once, I'll say it again.

Kate Beckinsale, you can do no wrong.

What did you think of the Grammy's?  

Did you like the dresses? 

Performances?

Lack of actual award presentations?

LL Cool J?

Jennifer Hudson's tribute to Whitney?

Jennifer Hudson's dress/lack of Spanx?

(don't get me wrong, she looks great, but something just wasn't right.)

Let's hear it.

XOXO

Alexis

All photos from People.

WTF Wednesdays...

There are no words.

WTF Wednesdays...

WTF Wednesday... second Wednesday in a row. 

This is the start of something good... wait...  

Isn't that a Gavin DeGraw song?  Crap.

moving on...

So, I'm not sure if this is legit or not.  Either way, it's disturbing.

Meet Splinter.  

He shops at Foot Locker.

via this guy's twitter

This is why I stick to the island of Manhattan.

Bronx = No Bueno

p.s. 

I have to admit that I haven't found either of my first 2 WTF subjects on my own..  

I have to give credit to a certain gchat buddy of mine who spends more time on Gothamist than he does on work.

Bachelor Ben (Needs a Haircut)

Let's make this as short and sweet as possible... 

unlike the 2 hour long snooze-fest that was The Bachelor last night.

Bachelor Ben

Side note: 8:02 PM - Kacie B is already tearing up about how much she likes Ben and hates sharing him with everyone.  

This continues throughout the entire 2 hour stretch.  

This girl is cute and is getting a lot of screen time, but she is coming across as reaaaaal whiny.

  

Moving on.

Date 1: 

Ben and cute-New-Yorker-with really-good-bangs 

aka Rachel

This date went from zero to awkward in 10 seconds flat.  

Not sure about him, but the numerous awkward silences out on that boat made me want to jump overboard, swim to shore and never look back.  

Instead, they made out.  A bunch.  

Thus causing Ben to catch a slight case of amnesia and get over the fact that they have nothing in common and she has no conversation skillz.  

Rose. And scene.

Date 2: 

Ben and a buncha chicks in waders

Ben rode a horse through the stream that was separating him and the girls... 

and looked reallll uncomfortable doing it.  

They all ride horses over to another part of the stream where they find waders and fly fishing rods and continue to fish.  Nothing anyone said was important except the following two quotes from Courtney.

Courtney, 28, Model:

- "I know this is a fishing date, but lets be honest, its not really about catching a trout it's more about catching Ben."

- "I've never fished before, but catching a fish probably isn't that much harder than catching a man.   Done that before."

Then comes cocktail hour where Ben wants to spend some quality time with Casey S because "she seems very adventurous and free-spirited."  Read: "Casey is wearing a hot pink bikini/bra under a thin white shirt.  I want to go around the corner and stare at her boobs for a few minutes."  

Then Nicki and Ben talked. 

 I dozed off.

Later Samantha interrupted Nicki to chastise Ben for only bringing her on group dates. 

Apparently she has such crazy feelings for Ben that she thinks she should have a ring on her finger already.  (Whaaaaaat?!)  

Well, Samantha got a slap in her pretty little face when Ben basically told her he didn't see things going much further than the bench they were sitting on.  

Tears.  Attitude.  Whys.  Packing.  More tears.   

Toodles Sammy.

Ben and Kacie B smooch and fall in love a little bit more.  

Courtney gets pissed and puts on her lip gloss.  

Then she steals Ben away, talks in an annoying baby voice and complains about how rough it is being on The Bachelor going on fantasy dates and potentially furthering her modeling career.  Vom.  She secured the rose, though.  Well played, Court.  But don't say 'winning' anymore.  Charlie Sheen is not cool.  And that's pretty much a wrap.

Date 3: Bennifer

Jennifer, the strange-shade-of-red head from OKC, gets the second one-on-one date this week.  

They really like each other. 

 If I were Jennifer, I would NOT like this date.  

They climb a hill/mountain and are to repel into a giant crater with water at the bottom.  Ummmm, that sucks.  But she's a trooper and they drop on down then release the ropes and fall into the water.  Then they doggy paddle like crazy and make out while trying to keep their heads above water.  

Waste of 10 minutes in my opinion.  

Dinner, relationship talks, lots of agreeing, a downpour hits, talks of romantic rain, rose... then they take a gondola ride to their own Clay Walker concert.  Well, in the middle of a group of strangers/extras.  Womp womppp... Brad Paisley, must not have been available.  But she is from OK, so she was down.  And that's that.

Cocktail Hour/Rose Ceremony:

*Genius alert!*

Emily decides to use her time to tell Ben how horrible one of the other girls is.. but she doesn't want to name names or throw anyone under the bus.  But just so he knows, she got a rose on the group date and everyone was shocked.  

Hmm.. Courtney's gonna be piiiiissed.  Especially when Emily decides to tell Court's BFF Casey S. everything she said to Ben.  Dun dun dunnn... So Courtney bitches her out.  Emily spazzes about how she probably ruined her chances.  No argument here.  

And that's that.  Chris Harrison steps in to draw the night to an end.

And the roses go to:

Lindzi 

who rode in on a horse

Jamie  

who's she you ask?   I have no clue.

Nicki 

ok.  she's pretty. she's also boring.

Kacie B. 

guess the whining doesn't hurt ya if only America hears it

Elyse 

still a stranger to me

Blakeley 

who rode in on a horse, no wait that was Lindzi.  Blakeley just has a horse face. 

(sorry I'm not sorry.  it's true.  and she's mean so I don't feel bad saying it)

Casey S. 

Court's bff

DRAMATIC PAUSE.............

THE FINAL ROSE GOES TO:

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Emily 

Well, despite being an idiot, she got one anyway.  better watch ya self next week guuuurl.  Courtney's gonna be after you with a vengeance.

So, Monica is going home... 

Shocker.  

She's kind of old and I can't remember ever seeing her talk to Ben.  Maybe the first night?

So previewing next week... 

Emily says something bad to Ben about Courtney.. AGAIN.  Is this girl sniffing glue?

Courtney skinny dips with Ben in the ocean.  He forgets everything bad he's ever heard about her.

Can't wait.  Oh, yes I can.  This season is booooooring.

Peace out!

All pics from ABC's website.